perspective granted.

i knew this year wouldn't be easy. i knew that i was changing my life in so many ways and that it could go in many directions other than the way i wanted. everyone knows that with life. it always seems that as soon as i have a plan or some key to thinking i have it all figured out and handled on my own.. God says, Oh no Rachel, this is my plan.

and sometimes, man, it's just the best thing ever. and there's no way that i would have ever seen it without knowing and trusting Him to know what is right for my life. the stress is immediately gone, things start falling into place so much easier, new doors open, and the thing that i truly wanted is revealed.

other times, it's not so easy. if you know me, and if you're reading this then you probably do, i am stubborn. i'm a planner. i like to know where i'm going, what the plan is for there, and how i'm going to get whatever needs to be accomplished done. i'm a list maker. an organizer. and i constantly, and i truly do mean constantly, weigh out options in my mind. even subconciously.

"how will this effect this? if i say yes, what about the next year? which homecoming outfit should i wear? if i get this dog, will i go insane, and if i do, is she worth it? do i want to teach or is there something else i'm passionate enough about? if i marry this man, can i truly be the wife i want to be?"

all of those questions in many shapes and forms run through my brain. not once. not twice. not even thirty times.. but probably more.

so when things don't go my way. or according to my list.. i'm not always accepting of that fact. especially not right away. i get offended, mad, and sometimes even throw in the towel completely.

but while i'm getting mad about this stupid little things that truly don't matter.. God throws in things that do matter. while i'm worrying about something that's far out in the distance and doesn't matter a hill of beans, God shows me what does matter.

tonight i was granted perspective. i've gotten myself caught up in this little place of here and now, and what i can do with this time, and how i've been whining about waiting and wondering about things that won't make a difference ever.. and God showed me something that does matter.

things have happened this year that have been devestating. one this week even. things that i didn't see myself facing ever, and i'm not the one that's facing it on the front lines. but my heart still aches. not in the way the front lines does.. but in a way that's too much for words. and there's no words to fix it. as much as i try to think of things to say to be supportive or caring, i know that no words can bring back what has been lost. no words can mend the torn parts.

but i can say that through this year i have been granted perspective. not that it won't take me a good reminder course probably more often than i would like to admit. but hopefully i won't be so trivial in my thoughts. hopefully i'll trust God's plan more than my own. hopefully i can let go and wait for His perfect timing and guidance.


so as i'm waiting for a closure on this year.. for what still seems to be endless days.. i'm so incredibly thankful that i'm waiting in God's plan. for it is far better than any list, any dreams, any hopes that i have for the future.

i pray that for you. i pray for all that have been effected with the many heartbreaking things this year. and i pray that for myself.

"but the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." psalm 33:11

"many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." proverbs 19:21

chapter coming to a close.

so yesterday was amazing. not that my other showers haven't been great, but this one was just so exciting. partly because these people were all family and they all knew seth. they have seen us together, and know us.. both. and love us, both, individually. i can't express how wonderful that is to me. to know that people care about me, not just how i shape the life of the one they love, but about how he effects me. they care about the things that i like, the things that i do, the decisions that i'm making, and on top of that, they think that i'm perfect with seth!

yesterday marked the last shower. yesterday also was the day that all my earthly belongings.. minus the clothes and things i need for the next two weeks, have started their journey to north carolina.

wow. serious stuff this weekend. everything is in dayton, everything is moving forward.. but oh so slowly. two more weeks till i'm a north carolina resident. and probably about 25 ish days until i am a married woman.

can it please come faster? or can i just snap my fingers and be in NC? either would be nice :)

not too deep for words.

today i'm pondering strength. not necessarily strength for this deployment, although that is weighing on my mind, but strength through out our lives.

once my parents split up, i realized for the first time in my life.. everyone has their stuff. everyone has those heartaches that they don't necessarily wear on their sleeve. they have conversations in which it's not brought to anyone's attention. they have deep hurts that no one can understand, no one can express, and no one can give advice for.

those take strength. strength that we don't even know we have. strength that we never needed before. and strength that only God can provide.

here's some quotes that are enabling my thoughts on this deep, deep word.

It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more “manhood” to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.” -Alex Karras

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands- and then eat just one of those pieces. --Judith Viorst

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from and indomitable will. -Ghandi

“If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes.” Corrie TenBoom

(this one absolutely blows me away. if you don't know this lady's story.. check it out. wow, wow, wow.)

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.” -Dolly Parton

here's to being able to think about strength. here's to honoring and realizing the strong people in my life. here's to finding encouragement from that along with praying that i can be the same example to someone else.

here is also to 6 freakin percent left.

progress comes in many forms.

i gave in.

yes, i know, it's more to move. and yes, i know, i could buy it in NC. but what's a girl to do when the puppy is driving her crazy and she's been past bored for the last week?

go to hobby lobby.. what else! so frames, complete with printed out pictures, and those cool ledges to put them on all for the bedroom. i even found them in the correct sage/lime that matches our duvet cover. pretty exciting. who doesn't love have off frames and buy one get on free ledge sets?!




i've also found placemats that i love.. and my plan is to paint chairs to match.



yes, they're vera bradley. but that's besides the point. planning on painting the table black.. and four chairs: one red, one yellow, one blue, and one white. and that'll be extra cute until we decide to be extra fancy one day and get a grown up table :)

and this little thing.. although sometimes quite annoying as i'm cleaning up potty mistakes.. is bringing me tons of joy when i feel like crying. but she's also making this.. "i'm sorry mommy" face a lot.



i feel like i'm making some sort of progress. i feel like i'm making a home. and i really am starting to feel that in X amount of days.. i'll finally have him home.

no sense be pessimistic..

...it wouldn't work anyways.

trying to be positive really stinks sometimes. especially when you add in being extremely restless. ah, deployment. you show your lovely face again.

i'm constantly thinking about homecoming and all the stuff with it. decorating the apartment, setting everything up, and finally being able to work on something towards the end goal again.

i've gotten used to things happening this week and now the week has slowed back down.

BUT on the positive side, cause this post should not be all sad and mopey.. but the opposite..

i have wedding bands that look lovely with my ring.
and i have a dress that fits perfectly.. even there was a scary moment of maybe this is too tiny :)

today i'm reflecting on all those little moments that when i sit and think about it.. they're really big moments. things are moving along. i'm just getting down to the nitty gritty, not always fun stuff.

like they said.. if the end of deployment went any slower, it would go backwards.

here's to the 7% of deployment i have left, according to my donut of misery. and here's to staying positive.. or at least pretending ;)

changes don't mean failure

so today i made a big decision. and thankfully, seth was in touch to help me make it.

we've decided to postpone the big wedding ceremony until october, and just have a simple courthouse ceremony when he comes home.

i'm a person that likes to prove how strong i am. i'm strong willed, strong headed, and like to push through when things get hard. and this was definitely hard. making decisions alone, driving my sweet cousin crazy with going back and forth on plans, trying to create a whole production in which both seth and i will be completely exhausted.. and nothing, nothing at all, can be certain.

as i was talking to seth, trying to figure out what we should do now, bawling my eyes out and him stressing that he can't be here to do to the one thing he wants to do.. comfort me.. i realized we were missing the point. me especially.

what in the heck was i thinking?

my soon to be husband is coming home from war. safely. he's coming home to a brand new apartment, a brand new wife, and a brand new life.

we have plenty to celebrate without trying to throw in flowers, a garden, tuxes and dresses, and everything else that comes with a full on wedding.

all that we care about is the commitment. and that will be the strongest of all after a year deployment. a year of waiting, praying, and hoping.

so here's to giving up the perfect wedding for a bit.. here's to celebrating the new life that i'm about to start. regardless of how strong i want to be, and how much of a super army wife i want to prove i can be..

here's to loving and celebrating with my husband. and making a commitment that will only get stronger through life together.

today i've focused on the small things. what does seth want in the fridge when he gets home? what shower stuff does he need? what does he want to eat? what can make him feel loved and welcomed in to our new life?

and what a welcomed switch it has become. he's coming home!

here's to first

i decided to start this blog at a big turning point in my life.

yes in less than a month, i will be a married woman. a happily, extremely joyful woman. to an absolutely wonderful man, who is more than my best friend, but also my hero.

you see, we've been apart this past year due to his deployment to afghanistan. but that shall quickly be over, and for once in our relationship.. we won't be saying goodbye. how wonderful!

but this blog is for me. for my doings. as i think about this time in my life, i think about all the many changes. things like moving from tennessee to north carolina. having to live with a man. being a wife and all that comes with that. starting a new career and a new school. when all these thoughts start zooming through my head.. and i do mean zoom.. my adrenaline gets going. and for the last three years, there hasn't been much to get my adrenaline going in my life.

at one of my recent wedding showers, my soon to be mother in law, described my soon to be husband as a adrenaline junkie. this fits him to the tee. seriously. he's an airborne paratrooper which means he jumps out of planes. this guy has more guts and adventure genes than i ever thought about having. and i so admire him for those qualities! to do things that are out of his comfort zone with no one else pushing him, or in my case, dragging him to do it. he simply enjoys it.

in the next 30 so days i have, i will strive to be like him. although my life is far from boring.. i do have a four month old puppy.. and a million things going on, i will strive to do something new. something that pushes my limits. something that stretches what i know or what i've done. something that creates in me a touch of a new person.

i could make a list for these thirty days, but i've decided to be realistic. some days i'll have the time for something grand.. and other days i won't. so to encourage finishing this and continuing on with this blog, i'll simply leave it at that.

here's to starting a blog. here's to pushing past the fact that no one might read this, or that i might seem silly. here's to doing what stretches me.. just a bit. here's to leaving behind being an adrenaline flunkie and becoming an adrenaline junkie.