and sometimes, man, it's just the best thing ever. and there's no way that i would have ever seen it without knowing and trusting Him to know what is right for my life. the stress is immediately gone, things start falling into place so much easier, new doors open, and the thing that i truly wanted is revealed.
other times, it's not so easy. if you know me, and if you're reading this then you probably do, i am stubborn. i'm a planner. i like to know where i'm going, what the plan is for there, and how i'm going to get whatever needs to be accomplished done. i'm a list maker. an organizer. and i constantly, and i truly do mean constantly, weigh out options in my mind. even subconciously.
"how will this effect this? if i say yes, what about the next year? which homecoming outfit should i wear? if i get this dog, will i go insane, and if i do, is she worth it? do i want to teach or is there something else i'm passionate enough about? if i marry this man, can i truly be the wife i want to be?"
all of those questions in many shapes and forms run through my brain. not once. not twice. not even thirty times.. but probably more.
so when things don't go my way. or according to my list.. i'm not always accepting of that fact. especially not right away. i get offended, mad, and sometimes even throw in the towel completely.
but while i'm getting mad about this stupid little things that truly don't matter.. God throws in things that do matter. while i'm worrying about something that's far out in the distance and doesn't matter a hill of beans, God shows me what does matter.
tonight i was granted perspective. i've gotten myself caught up in this little place of here and now, and what i can do with this time, and how i've been whining about waiting and wondering about things that won't make a difference ever.. and God showed me something that does matter.
things have happened this year that have been devestating. one this week even. things that i didn't see myself facing ever, and i'm not the one that's facing it on the front lines. but my heart still aches. not in the way the front lines does.. but in a way that's too much for words. and there's no words to fix it. as much as i try to think of things to say to be supportive or caring, i know that no words can bring back what has been lost. no words can mend the torn parts.
but i can say that through this year i have been granted perspective. not that it won't take me a good reminder course probably more often than i would like to admit. but hopefully i won't be so trivial in my thoughts. hopefully i'll trust God's plan more than my own. hopefully i can let go and wait for His perfect timing and guidance.
so as i'm waiting for a closure on this year.. for what still seems to be endless days.. i'm so incredibly thankful that i'm waiting in God's plan. for it is far better than any list, any dreams, any hopes that i have for the future.
i pray that for you. i pray for all that have been effected with the many heartbreaking things this year. and i pray that for myself.
"but the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." psalm 33:11
"many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." proverbs 19:21
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